Changing Oil - Men -vs- Women
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
- Oil Change $20.00
- Coffee $1.00
Total: $21.00
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Oil Change Instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Friday after you get off work, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by Wal-Mart and buy a 12-pack of Dr Pepper, write a check for $5, drive home.
3) Open first Dr Pepper and drink it, to assess the situation.
4) Plan to jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands behind garden hoses, rakes and assorted junk. Jack up vehicle.
6) In frustration, open another Dr Pepper and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process, yell in pain.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another Dr Pepper while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a Dr Pepper.
17) Buddy shows up; finish 12 pack of Dr Pepper with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his completely restored 1956 Corvette.
18) Saturday: Skip cutting grass like your wife told you to do cause "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of storing it for recycling.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Dr Pepper? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to grocery store to buy another 12 pack of Dr Pepper.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. (Note that the filter companies tell you to do this just to ensure that the GASKET is actually there...)
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink Dr Pepper.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids' sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas over a bad patch of lawn.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink Dr Pepper.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin mumbling tersely.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Grumble loudly for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) More Dr Pepper.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Dr Pepper.
39) Dr Pepper.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Dr Pepper.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Dr Pepper.
46) Test drive car.
47) Rear-end car at stoplight and try to get away. Accidentally hit police car whose driver was already having a bad day. Officer okay physically, but is more than ready with his pen and pad.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, she makes bail from the savings account you have for your dream car ('56 Corvette).
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
- Parts $50.00
- Tickets $1500
- Insurance Increase $250
- Impound fee $75.00
- Bail $1500.00
- Dr Pepper $10.00
Total - - $3,385.00
But you know the job was done right!!!
posted by cpuaggie at 12:19 AM
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